He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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