Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
