Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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