so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
