We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize