if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
