Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I supernannyed him into submission
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
