On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
