Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
