I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it's like heaven, but drunker
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
