I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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