the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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