u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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