I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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