you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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