new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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