So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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