I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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