Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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