I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
