those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
