why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
whose ass print is on the piano?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
