You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
