the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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