do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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