I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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