Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
