forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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