eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
