Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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