I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
