Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
