The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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