She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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