He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
