Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
