Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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