She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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