Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
