Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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