Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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