dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
