so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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