Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
