I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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