you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
