My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
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