the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
