His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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