Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
