Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
