his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
