Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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