My first STD was from a foam party
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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