i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize