I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
