He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
