I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
