Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
