The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
