life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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